Vodka!
by ethereal damsel
Summary: One fine day, Sasuke asks Naruto a question about vodka. Hilarity ensues and OOCness abounds. Naruto begins an epic quest involving a crazy, Yaoi obsessed fangirl and everyone's favorite terrorist bishounen.
1. Chapter 1

a note from the desk of ethereal damsel

My brain was fried and it was 1:00 AM. So what did I do with my time? I wrote this. XD

Because some of the characters in this story aren't exactly well known, I have contrived here a handy guide, for your use:

sharingunbabi101: An incredibly stupid fangirl with an affinity for Yaoi and bishounens.

Aoba da Ameba: Well, Aoba's actually a character on Naruto, though an incredibly pointless one who does almost nothing except open a door for someone on the anime. The "Ameba" part of his name is an inside joke that even I don't understand (and I made it up XD) and what he says to Naruto about being his father is this hilarious joke on NarutoFan.

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this fic except the stupid fangirl.

* * *

One day, Sasuke had a question he simply couldn't answer. And, at the time, the only person around to answer it was Naruto. 

"Erm, Naruto?" Sasuke asked of him with reluctance."Could you tell me what vodka is? Because, you see, my family told me about this tradition the Uchiha clan has: when one is old enough, one shall take a piece of paper, dip it in vodka, and have one's destiny appear before one's eyes."

"Ero-sennin told me that it was beer."

"Beer?"

"Yes, beer."

"No, it can't be..."

"I'm telling you, it's beer."

"No, it's not."

"It's BEER!"

"No, it's not."

"Since you obviously don't believe me, I shall embark upon a quest to retrieve a flask of vodka!" said Naruto valiantly.

"Suit youself."

And thus it was that Naruto began the journey of a lifetime.

* * *

Naruto set off at that very moment. Being Naruto, he did not plan ahead. In fact, he simply left his home without any supplies whatsoever. But living in Narutoverse, things worked out well for him anyway. 

Naruto was to be met with many challenges on his trek, but none were so strange as his first, being the instance in which he was challenged by the gatekeeper of Konoha.

"What the heck?" cried Naruto, in way of greeting. "I didn't even know Konoha _had _a gatekeeper."

"Well, they do now. M'name's Aoba da Ameba n' Ah'm da greatest desperado that ever lived. Reputation aside, Ah'm also yer—"

"Just cut the crap already and let me pass!" Naruto replied cordially.

"Ah'm yer father."

"My _what_!"

"Yer father. Y'see—"

"No, you're not."

"Yes, ah am."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, ah am."

This continued for some time.

"If I say you're my father, will you let me through the gate?" a desperate Naruto inquired.

"Nope. There's a question you must answer too."

"Fire away."

"'Kay. It's multiple choice. The firs' Hokage was: a) Tsunade's granpaw b) Nawaki's granpaw c) Both a n' b or d) hatched from an egg."

"Pshaw!" declared Naruto. "That's child's play for a seasoned ninja such as myself. He was hatched from an egg, of course!"

"Very well, then," the gatekeeper said. "You may pass."

"Woohoo!" The gatekeeper glared at him. "Bye, er, Daddy," Naruto added, with some reluctance.

As Naruto continued on his merry way, he soon came to a crossroads.

"Hmmm…Which way should I go? I guess it doesn't matter, since I don't really know where I'm going."

"Come with me! I know where the vodka is!" said a voice.

"Huh?"

"'Tis I, sharingunbabi101! But you can call me babi." :flutters eyelashes grotesquely:

"Who the heck are you?" For a strange girl had stepped out of the bushes on the side of the road. She was wearing a rather shabby-looking pair of jeans with a cat tail pinned upon them, a shirt with something called "InuYasha" on it, and a pair of cat ears. She had mousey brown hair pulled back in a loose ponytail and a pair of big brown eyes peering out from round, pearly spectacles that had a perpetually surprised look about them, like that of a deer caught in headlights. But most unusual of all, she was wearing a Konoha hitai-ate with the leaf emblem slashed through like Itachi's.

"Are you a member of the Akatsuki?" Naruto asked of her in bewilderment.

"Nah, I just like the forehead protectors. C'mon, I'll lead you to the vodka. This way, down the left path."

"How do you know where the vodka is?"

"Oh, I have my ways," answered sharingunbabi101 slyly.

As they continued their journey, the girl told Naruto all about herself.

"I like writing fanfiction, especially Yaoi. My favorite pairings are ItaKisa, KakaIru, and NejiGaa. I do like a few het pairings: SasuSaku, ItaSaku, and KimiSaku. When I do Yaoi, I love to do ItaKisa Mpreg!"

Naruto could do nothing but stare at her in confusion, for she never shut up long enough for him to get half a word in.

"And you know, I'm not a very big advocate for SasuNaru, because Sasuke and Sakura simply belong with each other!"

"Whoa, wait a second," Naruto interrupted. "Sasuke has absolutely no feelings whatsoever for Sakura."

"But that's the beauty of it! If they don't seem like they'd ever possibly end up with each other, then they should fall in love."

"Ahhh, okay…"

"And you see, the thing about ItaKisa Mpreg is that it would be real funny to have Kisame and Itachi revive the clan before Sasuke and Sakura do—"

"Claptrap!" cried a deep, indignant voice.

"What!" sharingunbabi101 answered.

"I said _claptrap_!" cried the voice again.

And suddenly, our favorite terrorist bishounen emerged, as sharingunbabi101 did, from the bushes off the side of the road.


	2. Chapter 2

a note from the desk of ethereal damsel

This is the final chapter of _Vodka!_ Perhaps, if I am as affected by insomnia in the future as I was when I wrote this, I will write a sequel. But until then, mull over this meaningful contribution to literature (yeah, right XD) and beware the Upgraded Mangekyou Sharingan…

By the way, IHOP (International House of Pancakes) is a sort of breakfast restaurant and Crizal is a company that makes special anti-glare lenses for eyeglasses. If you're wondering why the heck I'm telling you this, read on.

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this fic except the stupid fangirl.

* * *

"**_ABSOLUTE CLAPTRAP!_**" 

"Hey there, hotness," sharingunbabi101 said. :flutters eyelashes grotesquely:

"Who on earth are _you_?"

"'Tis I, sharingunbabi101. But you can call me—"

"So_ you're_ the one Kisame told me about! Writing degrading fanfics about me—"

"Oh no, they're not degrading, dear Itachi-sama!"

"How now? Placing me in awkward situations with that loathsome fish stick of a ninja—"

"I-Itachi!" stuttered Naruto. "Why are you speaking with a British accent? And what's 'claptrap'?"

"Claptrap is nonsense, hogwash, baloney, etcetera," Itachi answered dismissively, not bothering to answer Naruto's other question. "Now as for you," he continued, turning upon sharingunbabi101, "you vile specimen of a fangirl, I'm going to—"

"NOOO!" cried another voice, also with a British accent. Naruto turned in confusion to find that the "loathsome fish stick" had arrived.

"Itachi-sama, do not harm sharingunbabi101!"

"Why ever not?"

"She is a good girl of a mild and sweet demeanor who has ever been my most loyal fan. Do not use the upgraded Mangekyou on her!"

"Upgraded Mangekyou?" sharingunbabi101 said, with a greedy glint in her eye.

"Fine. I don't have time for such imbeciles anyway. Come on, Kisame; let's go back to the hideout."

"You guys are heading to your hideout? SWEET!" cried sharingunbabi101. "That's exactly where Naruto and I are headed! You guys have got vodka, right?"

"Yes, of course we have vodka," Itachi said haughtily. "And we might as well allow you to accompany us, as you would probably go and write some stupid fanfics about me and Kisame otherwise."

"Tubular!" exclaimed sharingunbabi101, clinging to the hem of Itachi's cloak. Kisame looked at her fondly and followed Itachi, and Naruto cautiously brought up the rear.

_Why haven't Itachi and Kisame attempted to capture me yet? _Naruto thought to himself._ Well, I guess I'm sort of voluntarily following them right where they want me to be, but still…They're both acting really weird…I'll just have to keep my guard up. _And so, bearing this in mind, Naruto followed them to the conclusion of his quest…an IHOP!

"Your hideout is an IHOP!" said Naruto, bemused.

"Yes, indeed!" Kisame answered cheerily. "One can never have too many pancakes."

"Whose car is that?" asked sharingunbabi101 curiously, pointing to an old Volkswagen covered entirely in what looked like purple snakeskin.

"Gasp!" Kisame cried. "It's Orochimaru's car!"

"How do you know?" asked Naruto skeptically.

"Look at the bumper sticker, thou moronic jinchuuriki," Itachi said flatly.

Naruto looked, and shuddered in disgust. The sticker read: "I brake for smexy Uchihas!"

"Yo, homeskillets! Sup in da hood?" said a voice.

"I am by no means a skillet, Orochimaru," Itachi said icily. "Home or otherwise."

"I pimped his ride," said yet another voice. It was Kabuto.

"The depths to which the Sannin have sunk," Itachi said, "have passed beyond even my sight."

"We be pimpin', yo!" cried Kabuto and Orochimaru in unison.

"Uh-oh…" Naruto said quietly.

"What's wrong?" asked sharingunbabi101 quizzically. She still clung to the hem of Itachi's cloak.

"There's gonna be a big spar."

"How do you know?"

"There are leaves blowing through the air, you dimwit!"

"Get out of my parking lot," Itachi said to Orochimaru and Kabuto.

"Oh, so it's _your _parking lot now, is it?" asked Orochimaru. "Fine, have it your way. I only wanted some pancakes."

"You won't be leaving this parking lot alive."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really."

"Very well then…Mary-Sue no jutsu!" Orochimaru cried.

"Oh dear," said Kisame. "That is the most dreaded, evil kinjutsu one can conjure up…"

There was a poof of smoke, and suddenly a girl with flowing blond hair and blue eyes appeared before Itachi.

"Konnichiwa!" she crooned. "I'm the third Uchiha, Ayame! But somehow, I'm not even related to you, so we can fall in love anyway."

"Must :twitch: resist :twitch: Mary-Sue :twitch:" said Itachi breathlessly. He stood there, gasping for air like a fish out of water.

"I'll save you, Itachi-sama!" Kisame said valiantly. He bashed the Mary-Sue over the head with Samehada and she vanished like a bunshin.

"Curses!" Orochimaru cried. "Foiled again!"

"My turn!" Kabuto piped up. "Super Shiny Four-Eyed Glare no jutsu!"

"AUGGGHHH! IT BURNS!" yelled Itachi.

But Kisame came to his rescue again, this time throwing a pair of Crizal brand anti-glare glasses at Kabuto.

"NOOOOOO!" Kabuto screamed, writhing in agony before melting into a little puddle.

"Bwahahaha!" laughed Itachi triumphantly. "You should have known that your insignificant jutsus would have no effect against the all-knowing, omnipotent Itachi! I pwn all!"

"K-Kabuto…" Orochimaru stuttered, weeping over the little puddle that was once his most beloved henchman. "Now my life has no meaning…" Orochimaru ran to the edge of the cliff Itachi's IHOP was conveniently situated upon, and flung himself over the edge.

"Well, I guess that's the end of him…" said Naruto in shock.

There was a long silence.

"Anyone up for some pancakes?" Kisame asked the group in general, breaking the ice.

"Actually, I am quite hungry," said Itachi. "And I still need to give Naruto some vodka…"

The three of them headed inside and ate some pancakes, courtesy of Itachi.

"Here's the vodka," Itachi said to Naruto after they had eaten.

"So it _is_ beer!" cried Naruto victoriously. "I knew it!" He looked around at his companions. "I guess I'll just be going now, shall I?"

They nodded at him.

"Just like that? You're actually gonna let me go?"

"Yes," Itachi began. "I've decided to settle down and lead a more simple life making pancakes."

"And I am going to attempt to woo sharingunbabi101," said Kisame dreamily.

"And I'm gonna love Itachi-sama forever!" sharingunbabi101 said, clinging even more tightly to the hem of Itachi's cloak.

"Well…er…good for you," said Naruto to them all. He started heading for the door, but then stopped.

"Oh, yeah…" he said with a look of dawning comprehension on his face. "I just remembered something…Sasuke told me about this tradition the Uchiha clan has…" He explained to them all what he was talking about.

"Oh, I remember that!" said Itachi.

"So you're gonna let us find out what our destinies are?" sharingunbabi101 asked. "Tubular! Can I go first?"

"Sure…" sharingunbabi101 took a scrap of paper she found in her pocket and dipped it in Naruto's flask of vodka.

"I bet it'll say that I'm destined to write an award-winning ItaKisa Mpreg fic!" she said, giggling.

"THAT'S IT!" bellowed Itachi in a sudden fit of rage. "I'VE HAD IT WITH YOU!" He turned his eyes upon her. "SUPER-UPGRADED MANGEKYOU LASER! FULL POWER! TIMES 100!"

And suddenly there was only a pile of soot where sharingunbabi101 had been standing.

"sharingunbabi101…" Kisame said sadly.

Naruto took her slip of paper out of the flask and read it with a shaky hand: "You will be blasted by lasers…"

Itachi smiled smugly.

"…only to be reborn from the ashes, unable to be destroyed by any of the Akatsuki members."

"WHAT!" shrieked Itachi. And indeed, she had been reborn and now stood at his side, clinging tightly to the hem of his cloak again.

"Hiya! I'm sharingunbabi101's reincarnation!" :flutters eyelashes grotesquely:

"NOOOOOO!" Itachi wailed forlornly.

"Well, I had best be going…" Naruto said, heading quickly for the door. He didn't want to be caught in the middle of this.

"sharingunbabi101!" exalted Kisame in joy.

"**_ABSOLUTE CLAPTRAP!_**" Itachi screamed.

And thus it was that Naruto's remarkable journey came to an end.

* * *

What did you think? Was it any good? It's my first real humorous fic (besides this weird psychological analysis thing I did on Itachi), so reviews would be helpful. 

I owe some credit to my uber-cool friend, PlushKittie, for giving me the inspiration to write this fanciful tale. She had a dream about Itachi in which his dad told him to dip a piece of paper in vodka in order to discover his destiny. How weird is that? XD So I thank you, PlushKittie for the idea behind this bizarre fic.

Oh yeah, wasn't sharinganbabi101 great? To me, she is the epitome of all that is stupid fandom. I made her a fan of the most overrated anime in the world, InuYasha, and also made her completely obsessed with nearly every Naruto Yaoi pairing known to man (I'm not very fond of Yaoi) as well as SasuSaku and ItaSaku (which are both SO unrealistic, no offence) and a crack pairing: KimiSaku (KimimaroxSakura)! If I have officially converted you into a fan of sharingunbabi101, don't worry, she'll be back…


	3. Chapter 3

a note from the desk of ethereal damsel

Yet again my brain was fried and it was 1:00 AM...well, you know the rest.

I said that someday I might write a sequel to _Vodka!_ I lied. I have realized that there is simply NO WAY anyone could understand this installment of my freaky fic without having first read the previous two.

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this fic except the stupid fangirl.

So, without further ado, I give you _Vodka! _part three which shall continue into a part four and a possible part five. Heck, it could go on forever. XD

* * *

One fine day, sharingunbabi101 was sitting in her room (plastered from top to bottom with Inuyasha posters, of course) hard at work on a self-insertion fic. 

"…and then Itachi and Kisame were married and Sasuke and Sakura lived happily ever after!" she said to herself exultingly. She looked down at her finished manuscript and sighed dramatically. "Ah…if only such lovely dreams would become reality…that would be uber-tubular."

"Oh, but they can," said a sugary voice.

"Who said that?" sharingunbabi101 cried, whipping around to find that the speaker was a fat old woman in a pink silk dress wearing turquoise bedroom slippers with little puffballs on them.

"Who're you?" squeaked sharingunbabi101.

"I'm your fairy godmother."

"Really? Tubular!"

"I can make all your wishes come true. But be careful what you wish for…"

"Okay, let's see," sharingunbabi101 said, rubbing her hands together. "I want to be put inside my Naruto self-insertion fic, and I want to be so hot that every guy will fall for me the minute he lays eyes on me."

"Specifics?" asked the fairy godmother in a businesslike manner.

"Hmmm…I want to be sixteen with long, flowing, brown hair. I should be wearing a scarlet kimono, my weapon should be this huge sword that only I can lift, and I just _have _to have the Mangekyou Sharingan…and make me busty. As busty as Tsunade!"

"Very well…" And with a flick of her fairy godmother's wand, sharingunbabi101 was in Narutoverse.

She looked down at herself. Everything was just as she'd imagined it…

"Who, may I ask, are you and what are you doing on my property?" a familiar deep, indignant voice with a British accent said.

It was Uchiha Itachi, wearing an apron that said "Kiss the Loathsome Fish Stick, Not Me" and holding a spatula in his hand.

"'Tis I, shari—er, I mean…Konnichiwa! I'm Ayame!" :flutters eyelashes grotesquely: She had thought of the most generic and over-used original girl character name in all of Naruto fandom.

"Very well, Ayame. Kindly leave the premises, unless you have come to sample my delicious pancakes."

"Itachi-sama! Itachi-sama!" called yet another voice with a British accent. "Ita—by Jove!"

It was Kisame, also in an apron, a pink one with ruffles. He had exclaimed "by Jove" when he had noticed Ayame/sharingunbabi101.

"You are quite the Casanova, my good Itachi-sama."

Itachi paid no attention to this comment. "What do you want?"

"Oh, I was just wondering what sort of mascara you wore…" He trailed off, staring at Ayame in a rather lovelorn fashion.

"What! I don't wear mascara!"

"Then how do you get your eyelashes to grow so long? Do you sprinkle Miracle-Gro on them every night, old chap?"

"No!" Itachi was positively fuming.

"Well, I'll be back, boys!" Ayame said, leaving them for Team 7.

Upon her arrival at Konoha, she drew the gaze of a certain perverted Jounin.

"Kakashi-sensei, why are you drooling?" inquired a bemused Naruto.

"OMG! PR0N!" Kakashi gasped, hyperventilating.

"What ?"

"Nothing, Naruto," he said, rapidly composing himself.

Suddenly, Sakura spotted Ayame too.

"That girl is very…endowed," she said bewilderedly.

As Ayame headed toward Team 7, she grinned. "Konnichiwa!" :flutters eyelashes grotesquely:

Kakashi's visible eye twitched slightly.

"Sasuke-kun!" crooned Ayame to Sasuke, who hadn't spoken all this time.

"Go seduce someone else," Sasuke said boredly. Ayame cringed as though she had been slapped.

"You should be taught a lesson!" she cried indignantly. She stood there, pondering this statement for a moment. "I know! I wish you were a panda!"

Sasuke looked at her in sheer disbelief. But all of a sudden, there was a flash, a bang, a puff of smoke…and where Uchiha Sasuke had been standing there was a panda cub.

"KAWAII!" squealed Ayame, swooping down upon poor Sasuke and clutching him in her arms.


	4. Chapter 4

a note from the desk of ethereal damsel

Time for another riveting chapter of _Vodka!_ It will amuse you, frighten you, and move you all in one sitting! Read on for pancakes, Uchiha pandas, stupid Yaoi fangirls-turned-Mary-Sues, annoying chatspeak LYKE THIS!11!one! and the one, the only, the above all INSANE itachiPod.

i say thank u 2 those of u who reviewed. u r awesome! u r mean if u dont review. so pls review. no flamies! lol

Disclaimer: I own nothing in this fic except the stupid fangirls and the itachiPod.

I have two additions to the character guide:

itachiPod: He's an alien with a rather unusual diction…

Pink Tsuki-chan: sharingunbabi101's best friend who also has an affinity for Yaoi and bishounens and is equally moronic.

* * *

Meanwhile, at Itachi's IHOP, a sinister sequence of events was unfolding. Itachi had been kidnapped by the bodysnatchers! Gasp! Unbeknownst to the blissfully ignorant Kisame, itachiPod had been born… 

"Dum-de-dum-dum…" Kisame hummed blithely as he fried some pancakes. itachiPod walked up behind him and poked him in the back.

"Why hello, Itachi-sama!" he said brightly. "Business is going great! Of course, it's always great as long as one is serving up smiles!" Here Kisame smiled grotesquely.

"itachiPod," itachiPod said.

"What?"

"itachiPod."

"What?"

"wut?" replied itachiPod.

"Why are you copying me?"

"y r u copying meh?"

"Please stop."

"stop copying meh."

"What?"

Suddenly, itachiPod knocked Kisame out cold.

"itachiPod1" it shrieked. "hyuck, hyuck, hyuck."

And thus, the itachiPod came into the world.

Back at the ranch, Ayame/sharingunbabi101 was crooning over poor transmogrified Sasuke.

"Ooo, you're _much _cuter this way!" she gushed. Sasuke-panda was in a state of trauma-induced shock and appeared to be suffering from some form of paralysis. "I must show my friend! I wish Pink Tsuki-chan were here!"

Suddenly, a petite girl with short, curly, straw-colored hair and donning preppy clothing appeared. She blinked her watery blue eyes stupidly.

"P-chan!" cried Ayame, swooping down on her friend. "You see I have this tubular fairy godmother who grants all of my wishes and I wanted to be in my self-insertion fic and she beautified me and I got to turn Sasuke into a panda and I'm having so much fun wreaking havoc and you really ought to try it so just tell me the specifics of your character and I'll get my fairy godmother to beautify you," she said, all in one breath.

"P-chan" whispered her desires to Ayame.

"Okay," said Ayame, rubbing her hands together. "Give P-chan long, wavy, blond hair, a pink kimono, and a gigantic battleaxe that only she can lift. Oh, and give her the Mangekyou. And make her sixteen and…er…endowed."

With another flash, bang, and puff of smoke, another Mary-Sue was born.

"What'll your name be?" Ayame asked.

"Ichigo!" squealed P-chan. Just then, she noticed Sasuke-panda. "WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"

To this day, no one knows how Sasuke survived the suffocating squeeze he endured from P-chan.

All this time, the remainder of Team 7 that hadn't been transmogrified stood watching, speechless. Except for Sakura, who had fainted. Before they could utter a word though, itachiPod had arrived.

"itachiPod1"

Everyone did a nice, big deadpan.

"What the heck is _that_?" Naruto inquired of the general public.

"its always great as long as 1 is serving up smiles."

That one got another deadpan.

"wut teh heck is that?" asked itachiPod curiously, pointing at the pitiful, half-dead Sasuke-panda.

"ITACHI-SAMA!11!one!" Ayame and Ichigo cried in unison, flinging themselves onto itachiPod.

"stop1 meh name ish itachiPod1"

"You're not our Itachi-sama," said Ichigo sadly, her eyes welling with tears.

"WHERE IS OUR ITACHI-SAMA!11!one?" Ayame screamed. They could've just wished he were there. But, being the idiots they were, they did nothing of the sort. "I believe it is time," declared Ayame, "to go on a quest to retrieve our Itachi-sama!"

Oh, boy. Here we go again.

* * *

In the next riveting chapter of _Vodka!_ there will be action (heck, yeah), romance (…XD), and…pimpin'? Yup. So stay tuned, loyal readers! Sasuke-panda will have his retribution! 

Oh, and if you have any suggestions as to what should happen in future chapters, just type them up in your review and I'll give you a cookie. :3

Bonus: Has anyone discovered the secret of itachiPod's unusual form of speech?


End file.
